


Faux Paw

by robinauts



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, magnus is a weenie. please give him a dog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 03:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8827888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robinauts/pseuds/robinauts
Summary: Taako has a secret relationship. Kravitz has a beloved pomeranian.Magnus has a really really really good morning. Like, a GREAT morning.





	

This isn’t really how Taako pictured Kravitz’s debut would go, but, well, even he can admit it could have been much worse.

His ideal scenario had been one in which Magnus and Merle were under so much pressure to _not_ make a scene - maybe in a library or at a funeral or on Taako’s deathbed - that they would have had to shut all the potential yelling and grousing deep _deep_ inside until the shock and outrage settled down, and then Taako would make his escape (with Kravitz in tow, of course, he wouldn’t just leave the poor guy to the _wolves)_ and by the time he and his boys met up again, Merle and Magnus would be over it and it would all be settled and Taako would never have to actually talk about anything. That was the _dream._ That was how he wanted _every single interaction ever in his life to go._

Instead, they just _ran into each other,_  by _total fucking coincidence,_  at nine in the morning in a park on the _complete opposite_ side of town from where Taako, Magnus, and Merle live. That was (supposed to be) one of the many benefits to going out with Kravitz - a goddamn _break_ from those two boneheads.

And the kind of breaks Kravitz treats him to… well, obviously, there's the mind-blowing sex. Kravitz is _incredibly_ handsome and he knows how to use those big hands, broad frame, full lips (et cetera et _cetera)_ to the _greatest_ of effects. Also, if Taako could have a portrait commissioned of his abs, he would frame that shit in his fuckin’ foyer. God bless.

But aside from that, Kravitz is a traditional romantic. His income as a high-level employee of a high-class funeral home combined with the royalties from his old compositions furnishes a very comfortable lifestyle; he pays for fancy meals at fancy restaurants without batting an eye. And as someone who is still paying off a history/archaeology degree (not to mention a now-useless stint at culinary school), Taako is digging that _very_ much, yes. And he allows Taako to “pay it back” by letting him actually make use of his massive kitchen, begging a lack of talent and that _your company and cooking is worth more than some filet mignon or yuppie fusion “cuisine.”_ Every time he says that kind of super extra garbage, Taako has to roll his eyes from where he’s preparing whatever he plans to dish out that night and reply that _you better watch out, or one of these days I’ll feed you dog food or poison and you'll just shovel it down like you do everything else I put in front of you._

… And he has a really nice personality and is easy to talk to and has a way of naturally lowering Taako’s defenses and makes him feel at ease and can make him laugh and there's this natural give-and-take between them and whatever. _Whatever._

But to the matter at hand. Taako was on Kravitz’s arm (one of his favorite places), dishing out the hottest gossip from the backrooms of the museum - about Killian and Carey’s latest wedding planning hurdle (Carey’s tool of a brother wants to bring his shitty friends, and uh, _no),_ and intern Angus’ total lack of competency at leading children tours even though _he’s_ a child _(_ _and_ inexplicably a grad student so shouldn’t he be like, y’know, _good at stuff)_ , and the Director’s stringent new guidelines on how to handle artifacts and how they’re totally _bull_ because Taako has a _degree,_ dammit, and outside of those one-or-two incidents he’s done just _fine_ so far (it had been agreed that he hadn’t been at fault for the Phandalin artifact, _okay)_  - and, in turn, nodding along sympathetically to Kravitz griping about certain patrons of the funeral home not letting him do his damn job.

“And then the daughter says she wants to _break off a finger_ to keep on her _mantelpiece,”_ Kravitz was saying as they turned a corner around some stupidly tall hedge, and Taako was gasping out a _"_ _No,_ she _didn’t_ \- “ when his attention was diverted away from the handsome man at his side by the appearance of the two ugly fucks he least wanted to see at this exact moment.

He would have made a dexterity saving throw right then and there to tackle him and Kravitz behind a bush and out of sight, but unfortunately there are _no_ dungeons and _no_ dragons in this godforsaken park. And Magnus and Merle were already staring wide-eyed at them, a donut dropping from Merle’s hand, as Taako and Kravitz stared right back, their arms entwined, hickeys high on their necks - _caught._

Taako’s fight-or-flight instincts immediately ticked over to _flight_ because oh god oh GOD he _knew_ the other two hadn’t gotten over the first time they’d all crossed paths (seriously, why on earth the _scientific advisor_ of a _museum_ would try to _steal_ a _priceless artifact_ in order to have it buried with his mom was _beyond_ Taako, but Kravitz had not taken kindly to the three of them breaking into the mortuary at three in the morning and okay, in hindsight, Taako can see why he was mad, but it was for a good reason and he will never back down from that no matter _how_ good the sex is) and this was _definitely_ about to get _very_ ugly _very fast_ and he needed to _run_ -

And then Magnus’ eyes lit up and he dropped into a crouch, whistling and patting his thighs like an absolute goober, and Taako remembered the _reason_ he and Kravitz were even in the park rather than still curled up in Kravitz’s massive luxurious bed (perhaps engaging in some morning canoodling), and realized it was also the only way he was getting out of this situation alive.

Kravitz’s little black pomeranian, Wilhelmina. (Taako calls her Spot out of sheer pity, because _Wilhelmina, Christ.)_  Criminally adorable, outrageously fluffy, and pampered beyond all belief. Seriously, there must be solid _gold_ in her dog food with how much Kravitz pays for it.

 _“Ohmygoodness!!”_ Magnus _squealed,_  eyes sparkling and mouth stretched in a soppy grin. Wilhelmina cocked her head to one side and let out a _wuff,_  but stayed at Kravitz’s heel. Kravitz, Taako, and Merle all stared at the boulder of a man making a fool of himself in a public park. “What's their name? Can I pet them? Are they a girl or boy, I don't want to gender a lil sweetheart like this! Are they friendly? How old are they? They're a pom, right? I love poms! Your dog is so _cute!!”_

Kravitz stood stunned for another moment, arm still tight around Taako’s shoulders, then cleared his throat and dropped his arm. “Her name is Wilhelmina, and she's _perfectly_ friendly,” he said, and Taako watched with some amusement as Kravitz’s layer of bombast settled on his shoulders like a well-worn velvet coat. If he listened closely, he could even hear the slight affectation to his voice. _Dweeb._ “She _never_ bites, I trained her well.”

"Ooooooooh, this _sweet little baby girl princess sweetheart_ would _never_ bite!” Magnus said, still thwapping away at his thighs like he's playing the god damn bongo drums. “Come here, Willie! Come to Maggie!!” Then Kravitz slackened her leash, Wilhelmina minced toward to the big embarrassment in front of her, and that brought them to the present moment.

“Hoosha _good gurrrrrl,”_ Magnus is cooing, scratching eagerly at the fur behind Wilhelmina’s ears, his big ham hands nearly engulfing her head. Wilhelmina’s eyes are drifting closed and she’s leaning into Magnus’ administrations - the man is an expert dog petter. _“Yoo_ sa _goooooood gurrlllll."_

Kravitz is standing somewhat stiffly, answering any eager questions about Wilhelmina that Magnus lobs his way and making sure his dog isn't getting obliterated with the force of Magnus' adoration. Merle is standing behind Magnus and darting his eyes from Taako to Kravitz and back again, making disbelieving and exasperated faces that Taako does _not_ appreciate. Just because they share a house and Merle is his de facto dad at this point doesn’t mean he has any right to judge Taako’s life choices, _especially_ the good ones. Even _if_ Kravitz sprained (broke? who cares) Merle’s elbow with a fire extinguisher six months ago.

And yeah, the whole mortuary break-in had been kind of a disaster, even if they’d gotten the artifact back and Dr. Miller had been buried with all due ceremony. They’d only gotten out of there without Kravitz calling the cops by showing him their official museum badges under black light because he wouldn’t believe they actually were there for … somewhat academic purposes, and all right, Taako will admit that their backstory sounded a little far-fetched. And there was also a game of cards that Taako likes to think he helped Magnus win by showing some strategic leg. So what, Kravitz was and still is setting-off-the-smoke-detector levels of _hot._  Taako goes after what he wants, even if he hadn’t been planning on seeing Kravitz ever again.

So he was fairly surprised a month later when Kravitz had wandered through the front doors of the museum wearing a suit so well cut Taako nearly fell off the rickety front desk chair. Instead he just knocked over a bunch of pens, and as he helped him pick them up Kravitz explained that he’d been in the neighborhood and remembered the name of the museum and, well, he was honestly curious what kind of work necessitated breaking-and-entering a funeral home at that time of night. Taako was the only one working the front that day but it had been _soooooo slow_ that Taako felt free to leave his post to give Kravitz a tour.

Taako had led him around the museum, explaining what they do, what _he_ does, and had even let him peek into the back archives (which he really isn’t supposed to do, but Kravitz had been such a good listener and he seemed actually interested and honestly, it’s not hard to convince Taako to break the rules, _especially_ when you’ve got cheekbones that defined). They were rifling through some antebellum-era eyeglasses when Kravitz’s phone had beeped, and Kravitz had made that certain face Taako now recognizes as the one he makes when Taako cracks a bad joke in the middle of sex.

Kravitz had been _called back to work, regrettably, but this is fascinating. Here, um - here’s my business card. I’d love to hear more about this sometime._ And Taako had tucked the business card away with a level of care he wouldn’t ever admit to, and after a couple days of getting his courage up and waiting for a zit to go away, he'd called Kravitz, gotten him to buy him a bottle of real fancy wine, and the rest, as they say, is really really good sex and companionship. It’s like, all healthy and shit, which Taako isn’t super used to and is finding he’s _super_ into (just like Kravitz is super _into_ him every Saturday night, if you catch his drift) (sex. it’s sex). It’s kind of awesome to actually _enjoy_ being around his… boyfriend? Yeesh. Boy toy? Kravitz is _older_ than him. Sugar daddy? Not _that_ much older. Lover? _Yeesh._

Like every other time this quandary has come up, Taako shoves it to the back of his head. A problem for a future Taako, hopefully one with more emotional wherewithal (now there's a laugh). Present Taako is currently concerned with whether Magnus even cares about any part of this situation besides Wilhelmina, which is pretty safely a no, honestly. Magnus has his priorities and those priorities are _dog._

Kravitz leaves his side to pick Wilhelmina up, holding her close to his chest and smoothing down her neck ruff as a little smile tugs up a corner of his mouth. He nods along emphatically to Magnus’ exclamations of how she is _perfect_ and the _best dog I’ve EVER met_ and _look at her little TONGUE, I’m about to CRY, dude!!_

Merle sidles up next to him with what Taako _knows_ is a shit-eating grin, so he stares resolutely at Kravitz, who is busy agreeing with Magnus about how _she’s the softest thing in the WORLD_ with an unashamedly sincere expression on his face, one that Taako usually only sees when Kravitz is playing the piano (or in the afterglow, or the beforeglow, or over the tables of fancy restaurants, or in his now-used kitchen, or when he thinks Taako isn’t looking - … anyway, it’s a particular expression, Taako hangs around him a lot and Krav’s easy on the eyes, so sue him).

“So. Kravitz, huh?” Merle says.

Taako shrugs. Kravitz is bouncing Wilhelmina gently in his arms.

Merle lets out a _hmph._  “Can’t say I’m exactly _pleased,_  but it’s your life, kiddo.”

Taako does not deign to respond. Magnus boops Wilhelmina on the nose.

Merle takes the time to scratch at his beard, and then says, “Guess Kravitz likes ‘em small, fluffy, and _spoiled_ -” And there he’s cut off, because he foolishly forgot that standing next to Taako, at their respective heights, gives Taako the perfect opportunity to elbow the stupid old man in the fucking jugular.

“Are you two _done?"_  Taako drawls, stepping towards Kravitz and away from the hacking-and-wheezing-and-otherwise-very-not-okay Merle. “Not that this isn’t charming as all get-out, but all my shit is back at your house, honeybunches, and if we let these two bond any more, Magnus may steal poor Spot.” Taako _just barely_ manages to not lose his shit at the way Kravitz reflexively tightens his hold on his dog. What a _loser._  (That isn't meant fondly, leave him _alone.)_

“Waitwaitwait!” Magnus exclaims, his face the image of distress. He fumbles around his sweater pocket and pulls out his phone. “Just let me - “

There’s a pause that’s awkward for everyone but Magnus as Magnus takes a selfie with Wilhelmina.

As soon as Taako hears the camera shutter noise, he hooks his elbow on Kravitz’s and drags him back from whence they came. “Tell the director I’ll email her my draft for the cup-thing by like nine tonight and to stop bugging me about it. Right now I’m gonna eat some brunch -”

 _“Brunch??”_ Merle cuts in excitedly.

“- _and_ suck some dick -”

“Never mind!”

“-  and I can’t have you two cramping my style. Laterz.”

Stumbling after him, Kravitz nods once and says, “Pleasure to meet you two on better terms.”

Merle gives him a weak thumbs up, probably still processing the last five minutes with his feeble geriatric brain. Magnus is cooing _bye-bye_ at Wilhelmina who, because she honestly _is_ the best, has her little nose in the air. _That_ girl gets it.

Back at Kravitz’s house, Taako has himself perched himself on the kitchen island as Kravitz refills Wilhelmina’s bowl with water from the goddamn Alps or something, probably, when his phone buzzes beside him. The text notification on the screen reads:

_Wilhelmina IS SOOOOOOOPOO CUTE U HAV TO MARRY KRAVTZ SO I CAN SEE HER EVERYDAY SHES THE BES TDOG EVER SHES PERFECT_

The moment he’s finished reading it, it buzzes again in his hand.

_Also u and Kravitz seem really good together! Merle wont say so but I know he yhinks so 2. I hope he treats u right but assholes dont usually ahve dogs that cute so ur prob in good hands :-)_

Taako shakes his head at his stupid friends and also at himself for the stupid gay smile he _knows_ is creeping onto his stupid gay face. Back, ye foul beast. He hops off the counter and lopes over the fridge, pulling open the door and squinting at what Kravitz has, trying not to roll his eyes at the entire shelf of pre-packaged yogurt cups. Looks like it’s time for Taako to steal his credit card and buy all the organic free-range shit the Whole Foods offers so the man will eat something _decent_ when Taako isn’t around to save him from Lean Cuisine.

Oooooh, wait, looks like there’s some eggs, and some other shit too...Taako checks the dates - still good. _Sweet._  “You want an omelet, my dude?” Taako calls over as he pulls out a frying pan with a clang and a clatter.

Kravitz stops staring soppily at Wilhelmina scarfing down her roasted lamb or whatever to stare soppily at him. What Merle said earlier echoes through his head, and Taako ignores it just as skillfully as he ignores the little pirouette his stomach does. Kravitz leaves Wilhelmina to it and walks over to wrap his arms around Taako’s waist. “That would be lovely, dear.”

Taako gives in and leans his head back onto Kravitz’s shoulder. Okay, so he’s feeling a bit sappy and Kravitz has a great shoulder. The best, maybe. “Sure thing, Fido.”

“Fido?”

“Gotta be thematically appropriate.”

“I see. … give a dog a bone?”

“Wait until brunch is over, you horndog.”

**Author's Note:**

> Such a fun fic to write! Inspired by [this tweet](https://twitter.com/rockportlimited/status/792161867175256064). Thanks so, so much to my dear friends and betas [Ol](https://taakohangsback.tumblr.com) (who supplied the name Wilhelmina, which I love) and [Elodie](https://pirepoumon.tumblr.com) for their help and encouragement and general greatness.
> 
> Wilhelmina looks like [this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d9/7d/9f/d97d9f8499c371decfdd8d080e19ffb9.jpg). By the way, the name Cerberus translates to "Spot."
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr at [flovvright](http://flovvright.tumblr.com), where I ["get rowdy with a highschool au and no one is safe](http://flovvright.tumblr.com/post/153760245424)." [Here's](https://twitter.com/robinauts/status/808355769624064000) my tweet about this fic, and [here's](http://flovvright.tumblr.com/post/154441360639) my tumblr post in case you want to retweet or reblog it!! ✌
> 
> EDIT: Thank you so so SO much to [nintendonut1](http://nintendonut1.tumblr.com/post/154389669293), [Mickey](https://puu.sh/sNcUB/cf37e16e9a.png) [Quinn](https://twitter.com/mickequ), [WolffyLuna](http://wolffyluna.tumblr.com/post/154705835494), [TheKingKez](http://thekingkez.tumblr.com/post/154795262546), AND [mothgeist](http://mothgeist.tumblr.com/post/155006208596) for the fanart!!!!!!! I'm totally awash in awe and glee and just!!! How on earth!!!!! These are amazing and perfect!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> (if anyone else draws fanart please PLEASE link me to it so I can cry on you for a solid fifteen minutes, maybe a half hour)
> 
> EDIT 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: hey!!! oh my god [revolutionaryjo did a podfic of this fic!!!!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12539396) i don't usually have the attention span for podfics, but this was so funny and well-read! please give it a listen and leave some kudos :))))

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Faux Paw](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12539396) by [RevolutionaryJo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolutionaryJo/pseuds/RevolutionaryJo)




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